My dummy Valentine: Archie's 5 most dimwitted moments on Riverdale (so far)

As classic recording artist Julie Brown once sang, “I Like ‘Em Big and Stupid.” So this Valentine’s Day, I’m sending all my love to one of the biggest, dumbest dreamboats on TV: Riverdale’s simple-minded stud, Archie Andrews.

Sure, the creators may want you to believe that Archie is just “earnest” or “trusting” or simply “innocent,” but we all know the truth here: God doesn’t give with both hands. And that’s okay, because Archie’s sweet, sweet stupidity is one of the many reasons we love him (especially when he’s shirtless).

It was hard to narrow down, but here are five of Archie’s most endearingly lamebrained moments.

Thinking Miss Grundy liked him for his mind. (Season 1)

Sure, he’s a hormone-addled teenage boy, but perhaps Archie should have listened to his much smarter friends — all of whom needed about 2 minutes to figure out Miss Grundy was a bespectacled sexual predator, not a Juilliard-trained virtuoso who fell for Archie’s inspiring musical talent.

Agreeing to attend the Blossom’s tree-tapping ceremony (Season 1, episode 9)

It would be one thing if Archie just succumbed to Cheryl’s guilt trip about attending the annual Blossom family event (“The maple-tapping’s something Jason and I have done together since we could walk… I don’t think I can face it alone”), but instead Archie gives in only after Mrs. Blossom dangles the prospect of an exclusive summer music program in front of him as bait. Because why wouldn’t the most sinister family in all of Riverdale do something nice, right Arch? And when Penelope Blossom looks at you shrewdly and murmurs, “I swear, Archibald, when the light hits you just right…,” there’s no reason to worry. The Blossom family isn’t trying to Vertigo you into a stand-in for their dead son Jason. Nope, everything’s fine.

Buying a gun (Season 2, episode 2)

Of course the poor kid is anxious and terrified after his dad was shot by a masked gunman, but Archie can’t even be trusted to deliver a decent cover of “Mad World” — should he really be allowed to handle a firearm? No. To be fair, though, the truly stupid person is this scenario is Dilton Doiley, who sold our sleep-deprived, jittery dum-dum of a hero the weapon.

Forming the “Red Circle” (Season 2, episode 3)

Back-to-back buffoonery from our man Archie! Honey, do you really think a serial killer bent on eradicating sin from Riverdale is going to be frightened by a vaguely homoerotic home video starring a bunch of beefy bros in red lyrcra masks? Bless your beautiful, blockhead heart.

“What’s a capo?” (Season 2, episode 13)

Really, Archie? Surely your pal Jughead has made you watch at least one of the Godfather movies? Sigh. It’s a good thing you’re so pretty, pal.